The Hilarity of Road Rage: A Pseudo-Confession

An old man with a bad toupee got out of his SUV and chased after my car while I drove away laughing the other day. Does that make me a bad person?

Image by toddwshaffer via Flickr

I should probably elaborate.

Its a weekday afternoon on a stretch of route 57 that switches back and forth between forty and fifty MPH speed limits as weaves through clusters of residential and agricultural zones. I make it a habit of riding the speed limit on this road, with the cruise control set. I'll admit that a big reason for my strict adherence to the speed limit is the frequency that patrol cars hand out speeding tickets in this area. Self preservation is a great motivator. But in my defense, I've also reached a point in my life where I don't see the point in racing as fast as possible to get nowhere fast. I'm not trying to make myself out as Mr. Zen and rationality, I just can't work up any passion about treating a single-lane highway like a Nascar tryout track. It isn't like I have a pregnant woman a baby's arm hanging out in the back seat, I'm just driving home. What's the rush?

Anyway, I'm cruising at a gentle 50 MPH, and not surprisingly, I end up with an anxious SUV riding my ass because I'm not going fast enough for him. He hangs onto my bumper for a good few miles, and occasionally we get a enough inches between us that I glimpse the driver's angry little face glaring at me over his steering wheel, the curly blonde toupee crouching on top of his head as if it was equally pissed off at me.

Image via Wikipedia

In all fairness, the guy with the rug in the SUV actually waited for a legal passing zone to zip around me. However, tailgating is still illegal, not to mention dangerous, so I felt justified in flipping him off as he passed me. Not the most mature action, I will admit. Also not mature was my reaction when, less then a mile later, I would up right behind the SUV at a red light.

This happens to me a lot. Some jackass will speed by me at twenty or so over the speed limit, and a few miles later we'll be sitting together at the same red light. This is why I rarely speed anymore, and why I've never gotten into any traffic-weaving hi-jinx. You can go as fast as you want, but the law of averages will almost always drag you back to the flow of traffic.

So, I found this funny enough that I honked and waved at the SUV guy. I didn't lean on the horn and shake my fist angrily, mind you; just a quick beep and a happy wave. Two angry little hands flew up as if to ask what the Hell I was waving at, so I rolled down the window and shouted out "Congratulations! You made it one car length ahead of me!" No angry voice or harsh screaming, just a friendly voice shouting loud enough so he could hear me if he wanted to. I was actually laughing when I said it.

What happens? The light turns green, he takes off like a bat out of hell, and I cruise right back into the speed limit. End of story. Until I end up right behind the same SUV at the next red light.