Tuesday, October 8, 2013

10/8/13: Baby Heads, Children, and Punctuation

Illustrate my dreams, Part 1

Last night, I had a dream that I was in this big baby making factory, and the babies were these little premature things lined up in shallow plastic trays like hatching beds. They even acted like newly hatched baby chicks, craning their necks and crying at the sky. I began amusing myself by leaning over these baby trays and laughing at the rows of baby heads, some more deformed than others, which would result in them laughing in return, and so I found myself going up and down these rows of trays, creating a sea of laughing, smiling baby heads. Then, out of nowhere appears a large baby factory mascot, this large evil-looking clown, and on the end of his left arm instead of a hand is a giant deformed baby head. It's big and round, like a large flesh-colored balloon, and in the center of it is this scrunched, pinched-faced, snaggletoothed baby face, its face contorting and twisting as the mouth opens and shuts like it is trying to scream, only no sound is coming out. Needless to say, I immediately have somebody take my picture with the baby factory mascot.

Anybody want to draw that picture for me?

Other People's Children, Part 1

There is something about raising children that seems to damage specific portions of the brain in a majority of parents. I am convinced any detailed clinical study would show the perception areas of the brain to be those portions most severely impacted.

McDonalds Happy Meal
McDonalds Happy Meal (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I'm in line for breakfast during my on-campus residency this morning, and I slide my tray down the wooden cafeteria shelf until I come to a woman getting breakfast for her and her daughter. She has her daughter standing next to her, and she has two take-out trays opened and lined up next to one another while the cafeteria patron grabs food for them, so they are taking up a good four or five feet of counter space.

Now, this is not a rant against the woman taking up the space in the first place, or about having to wait for her to have her meal hand-picked by the kitchen staff. It's her cafeteria just as much as it is mine, and I'm not in any kind of mad rush to get breakfast. I can wait, and I do so quietly and patiently. When the mother notices me there, she looks up and acknowledges my presence like I would hope she would, but then instead of apologizing by saying something simple like "Sorry, I'll just be a minute," she comes out with "Oh, it's okay, you can go around us."

Oh, may I? That's great, thank you ever so much. I was just wondering what to do when I came upon you and your spawn effectively blocking a third of the buffet line, thank heaven you helped clarify my options. My standing there was obviously just a result of confusion or overly polite manners, and not directly related to you being camped out in front of the five different varieties of eggs currently available this morning. Now that you've given me permission to simply go around you, I'll just be on my way to enjoy a breakfast of bacon and vegan sausage patties.

There is something misfiring in those regions of the brain dedicated to perceiving and understanding their surroundings. They and their children are simply "there," and it is merely up to the rest of the world to "go around them" and go about its business. But they and their children are not just "There." They are in the fucking way. They are blocking, impeding, obstructing, or otherwise preventing the rest of us from doing what we want or need to do. And on the surface there is nothing wrong with that. But when these parents fail to see or understand that they are in the way, that is when the system begins to crumble. That's when they start taking two-year-olds to the movies, or take their twin strollers and cargo bags full of wet naps and cheerios into the narrow aisles of shops because they want to browse the knickknacks with Cornelius and Escobar in tow, or spend fifteen minutes in front of you in the fast-food lane trying to convince little Janice to order something to eating instead of just ordering the kid a goddamn hamburger and making her eat it. Here's a tip, Mothers: if you still need to lock up cleaning supplies to prevent your child from poisoning itself, then they are too young to be making their own nutritional choices. Order the kid a happy meal and tell them to shut the fuck up and eat it. You and your children are not simply a part of the landscape, you are an obstacle, and the sooner you can least acknowledge that, the emotionally healthier we will all be.

Comma Chameleon

My new adviser just informed me that I use too many commas. Well, shit.
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Monday, September 9, 2013

9/9/13 - 101 Uses for a Living Severed Head

Aguste Rodin. The Severed Head of Saint John t...
Aguste Rodin. The Severed Head of Saint John the Baptist, ca 1887 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
With the beginning of the 21st Century nearly upon us, technological advancements in the medical field are rapidly reaching heights never before imagined. Previously ridiculed pulp science fiction novel impossibilities such as cloning and bionic limbs are now becoming modern-day reality.

One such advancement (although not one readily admitted to by the medical society) is the patented invention of a machine that now makes it possible to keep a human severed head alive indefinitely. The existence of this specific technology has been deemed both cruel and immoral by many groups, most of them arguing that not only is it a practically blasphemous application of medical life support, but that such a device would have no practical use.

To those that have scoffed at this idea, the members of The Mongoloid Moose Think Tank say FOOEY!!! There are numerous uses for such a medical advancement, and we will stop at no end to prove it!

So, in an attempt to squelch the complaints and protests put forth by these Frankenstein Destroyers, we submit this list of one hundred and one useful applications for a living severed head.

Note: Most of the following suggestions have been made under the assumption that the technology will become advanced enough so that the life support equipment will be eventually condensed into a 7" wide metal disk attached to the neck of the severed head.

1. Nifty Ashtray
2. Cool Fish Tank Decoration
3. Conversation Piece - Place it on your coffee table. Loads of fun!
4. Anti-Burglar Device
5. Christmas Tree Decoration
6. Jack-O-Lantern
7. Pooper Scooper
8. TV Antenna
9. Bedpost
10. Shoe Shiner - Polish not included.
11. Emergency Replacement For Broken Busts
12. Tie Rack
13. Dust Rag
14. Hand Puppet
15. Banister Knob
16. Q-Tip Dispenser
17. Candlestick
18. Sheet Music Holder
19. Post-Modern Drink Coaster - Not just a regular coaster!
20. Pencil Sharpener
21. Paperweight
22. Economy Night Light - Some assembly required.
23. Police Siren
24. Hood Ornament
25. Lawn Mower
26. Marital Aid - You figure it out.
27. Dust Rag
28. Pez Dispenser
29. Battering Ram - Actually, it would be more of an attachment.
30. Crib Mobile
31. Bicycle Horn
32. Ventriloquist Dummy
33. Hole Puncher
34. Bottle Opener
35. Attach to pole to unscrew out of reach light bulbs - I'm sure there's a name for it, but I don't know it.
36. Ice Cube Tray Monitor – Put back an empty tray, get bitten.
37. Stamp Moistener
38. Device for conducting controlled tests to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Lollie-Pop
39. Rape Whistle - Rape not included.
40. Pin Cushion
41. Cookie Cutter - Makes bite-size cookies.
42. Doctor's Specimen Container - They can't all be cute and pretty, now can they?
43. Blow Dryer - It takes a while.
44. Lawn Ornament
45. Door Stop
46. Primitive Blunt Weapon
47. Parking Meter
48. Wood Chipper
49. Oven Mitt
50. Bicycle Seat
51. Writer for Image Comics - 'Nuff Said!
52. Roach Motel
53. Mouse Trap
54. Book End
55. Jewelry Display
56. Soap Dish
57. Cheap alternative to Pet Parrot
58. Extra in Bluebeard Documentary
59. Pencil Holder
60. Paint Pallet
61. Horror Movie Prop
62. Co-Star on Baywatch
63. Eavesdropping Device
64. Chastity Belt - Back by popular demand!
65. Tooth Brush Holder
66. Poor Man's Mirror
67. Pool Toy
68. Drain Plug
69. Toilet Bowl Cleaner
70. Hat
71. Poor Man's Disguise Kit
72. Weather Vane - See also: Windsock.
73. Lightening Rod
74. Methane Gas Detector for sewer workers
75. Vice Grip Pliers
76. Baptism Practice Model
77. CPR Dummy
78. 9 Day Deodorant Pad
79. Change Purse
80. Q-Tip
81. Ice Cream Cone
82. Rear View Mirror Decoration
83. Vacuum Cleaner
84. Bathroom Attendant - You give him a quarter, take a mint... Come on, work with me!
85. Spare Horse Shoe
86. Lord Of The Flies - If you don't get it, you didn't finish High School
87. Desk Lamp
88. Poor Man's Mr. Potato Head
89. Maraca
90. Megaphone
91. Science Fair Project
92. Golf Tee
93. Lamp Post
94. Cannon Ball
95. Cool Medallion
96. Prop for St. John The Baptist play
97. Lassie stand-in
98. Spitball Sparring Partner
99. Third Base
100. Creepy Piñata
101. Hat Rack
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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

8/20/13 - Exclamation Point!

Warning sign.
Warning sign. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I really hate people who feel the need to mark their emails as High Importance. Not once have I ever received a High Importance email that was any more important than the countless other emails filling my inbox. That little red exclamation point sticking out like a sore thumb on my Outlook screen doesn't scream "Hurry, this is important!" Instead, it just sticks out like a big red middle finger and says to me, "Oh look, another self-important asshole who thinks their email holds greater precedence over anything else you might be receiving this morning. Also, they apparently don't trust you to read and respond to their email on your own, so have provided a handy visual aide to assist you in prioritizing your electronic correspondence. Best skip this one for now." Unless you're warning me of an impending meteor strike or have some lab results that are going to rock my world (in which case I would assume a phone call would be more direct and productive), just leave your little "Look at Me!" alert in your bag of email tricks. Dick.

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Monday, August 19, 2013

You Need to Shut Up. Now.

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris
The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
People irritate me.

I'm not proud of this. I don't wear it as a badge of honor in the way that others seem to with their religious beliefs or political convictions. But it can't be denied. People just have a tendency to annoy me.

It's not because they don't think like me. I know plenty of people who hold opposing viewpoints on a variety of subjects, and only a small percentage of them ever truly get on my nerves. They can think whatever they want. At least they're thinking.

Maybe that's what it is. These people, the ones who aggravate me on an almost primeval level, are the ones who just don't appear to be thinking. They'll argue to the contrary; they'll swear that they have thought things through, thought them out long and hard, before coming to think what they think.

They're lying.

They aren't think. They're mimicking. They're parroting. They're pretending to think by saying things they've heard other people say. Odds are, the people they are copying weren't thinking either. They just heard it from somewhere else. They might have added something there, but what they thought was a clever little twist on it. But they didn't think of it, either.

People don't think anymore. They join. They agree. They choose up sides and shout what sounds like thoughts and ideas that they know their side will agree with, because there is comfort, safety, security in numbers. So the scream and the shout, they snicker and they jibe, they cajole and they retort with smug, smarmy, sarcastic grins displaying their joy in feeling that they've imparted some great wisdom or knowledge that they have earned through some sort of mental process that they would like to believe is thinking. But they haven't earned anything. They haven't deduced or discovered an great truth, have not realized or understood something on an intrinsic level. There is no revelation, no epiphany, no grand illumination.

They're faking it.

They're pretending because it feels good to know something, but can be so hard to gain that knowledge through thinking. And it feels so good, and they fake it so well, that they begin to think that they actually know. They don't know. They just think they know.

And so they regurgitate platitudes and sayings and slogans and catch phrases, they cough them up and spit them in our faces because they think they sound clever, they think they sound smart, they feel, for once, that the know what they are talking about.

These people need to stop talking.

They need to stop posting, and commenting, and sharing. They need to stop cut-and-pasting their personalities and process the information that goes barreling through their heads for once. They need to stop chugging ideas and information like energy drinks and cheap beer, like dollar menu burgers and candy bars. They need to chew their information slowly, roll it around, experience the flavor, sample it slowly, and then, god willing, ingest it, absorb it, and convert it into a useful energy instead of vomiting it back up and attempting to feed it others like they were hungry birds seeking nourishment from their blackened, partially digested bile.

They are not feeding the masses with their precious wisdom. They are spewing reprocessed swill in an attempt to be noticed and acknowledged despite having nothing worth being recognized for.

They poison my air with every belch of false knowledge, sting my eyes and burn my throat with every rancid expulsion of what they attempt to pass off as their thoughts. They have no thoughts. The are empty vessels spilling waste, chattering bedpans unwilling to Try, yet desperate to Do.

Stop talking. Start thinking. Before it's too late for all of us.
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Gay Boy Scout Quiz

Boy Scouts of America
Boy Scouts of America (Photo credit: FeeBeeDee)

Recently, the Boy Scouts of America has come under fire by pro-gay activist groups for not allowing openly gay individuals to participate in all of their Boy Scout fun and games. Their reaction to this growing pressure has been the gradual contemplation of removing these restrictions. This, of course, has caused them to come under fire by anti-gay activists for even thinking of letting gay people near weenie-roasts and tent-pitching. Because, you know, that shit's for straight people.

In an attempt to weakly rationalize any decision that they might make down the line, the BSA recently sent out a questionnaire asking Pack Leaders and Parents of Boy Scouts their feelings about how "acceptable" or "unacceptable" outdated bigotry is when it comes to club membership restrictions. Not willing to be left out of the conversation, I decided to way in on the survey myself, although with written answers in lieu of their Acceptability Range, which actually includes the choice "Neither Acceptable Nor Unacceptable." Nice choice, guys.

Anyway, here are "The Questions" as provided by Towleroad, along with answers as provided by yours truly.

1.       Bob is 15 years old, and the only openly gay Scout in a Boy Scout troop. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for the troop leader to allow Bob to tent with a heterosexual boy on an overnight camping trip?

The answer to this questions depends on whether Bob is aggressively homosexual or merely passively gay, if the boy he is teamed up with is actually a closeted homosexual, and whether Bob reacted to the sleeping arrangements by repeatedly winking while making references to "Pitching a tent together."

2.       Tom started in the program as a Tiger Cub, and finished every requirement for the Eagle Scout Award at 16 years of age. At his board of review Tom reveals that he is gay. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for the review board to deny his Eagle Scout award based on that admission?

Denying Tom his Eagle Scout award is only acceptable if his secret homosexuality somehow gave him an unfair advantage over other straight members of the Tiger Club (which, incidentally, sounds like a gay bar)when it came to completing his expected tasks. I've never been a member of the Boy Scouts, so for all I know, homosexuality could very well be a Performance Enhancing trait.

3.       Johnny, a first grade boy, has joined Tiger Cubs with his friends. Johnny’s friends and their parents unanimously nominate Johnny’s mom, who is known by them to be lesbian, to be the den leader. Johnny’s pack is chartered to a church where the doctrine of that faith does not teach that homosexuality is wrong. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for his mother to serve as a den leader for his Cub Scout den?

If Johnny's friends and their parents have no problem with a Lesbian Den Leader, but the church chartering their pack considers her a soulless deviant unworthy of such a position, maybe the better question should be why these people are members of that church in the first place. Also, are "pack" and "den" interchangeable? If not, how many packs can be in a den, or is it multiple dens per pack?

4.       A troop is chartered by an organization that does not believe homosexuality is wrong and allows gays to be ministers. The youth minister traditionally serves as the Scoutmaster for the troop. The congregation hires a youth minister who is gay. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for this youth minister to serve as the Scoutmaster?

Why is there a question in here with no conflict? The organization is gay-friendly, the congregation is gay-friendly, and the youth minister is gay, is it okay that the Scoutmaster is gay? What sense does this question make? Everybody likes ice cream. Is it okay that people eat ice cream?

5.       David, a Boy Scout, believes that homosexuality is wrong. His troop is chartered to a church where the doctrine of that faith also teaches that homosexuality is wrong. Steve, an openly gay youth, applies to be a member in the troop and is denied membership. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for this troop to deny Steve membership in their troop?

I think a more important question is why Steve would want to belong to a group funded by and populated with people who are predisposed to hate him, and what the hell does David have to do with anything in this question?

6.       A gay male troop leader, along with another adult leader, is taking a group of boys on a camping trip following the youth protection guidelines of two-deep leadership. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for the gay adult leader to take adolescent boys on an overnight camping trip?

It should be fine as long as the gay male troop leader doesn't confuse "two-deep" leadership with "too-deep" leadership. Get it? That's an anal sex joke. Or an oral sex joke, depending which way you swing. Besides that, however, if "two-deep leadership" is meant to protect the youth, then wouldn't having the supposedly heterosexual adult leader (the question never specifies whether the other leader is straight or not) in tow prevent any gay shenanigans, or is it okay for the gay troop leader to sodomize the attending youth as long as the other troop leader is there to watch and make sure that he doesn't go "too-deep." Heh, I did it again.

7.       The current Boy Scouts of America requirements, stated above, prohibit open homosexuals from being Scouts or adult Scout leaders. To what extent do you support or oppose this requirement?

Can we just shorten this question to "Gays: Yea or Nay?"

8.       Different organizations that charter Boy Scout troops have different positions on the morality of homosexuality. Do you support or oppose allowing charter organizations to follow their own beliefs when selecting Boy Scout members and adult leaders, if that means there will be different standards from one organization to the next?

This raises an even better question: Is it wise for an organization, such as the BSA, to allow organizations without diametrically opposing moral standards to charter groups within the organization? For an organization so high and might about moral values, they sure do seem willing to whore themselves out to anybody willing to "charter" a group.

9.       What is your greatest concern if the policy remains in place and openly gay youth and adults are prohibited from joining Scouting?

Personally, none. I am neither gay nor a Boy Scout ( a fact for which both groups are most likely thankful), and am therefore not directly affected one way or the other, other than the fostering of the righteous indignation that I naturally feel against any organization that attempts to rationalize otherwise bigoted or socially ignorant restrictive policies.

10.   What is your greatest concern if the policy is changed to allow charter organizations to make their own decisions to admit openly gay Scouts and leaders?

That there will be one less thing to make fun of the Boy Scouts about.

11.   Do you believe the current policy prohibiting open homosexuals from being Scouts or adult Scout leaders is a core value of Scouting found in the Scout Oath and Law?

A better question might be, whether or not the policy is upheld by Scout Oath and Law, if that policy is right or wrong regardless. Again, for a group so big on morality, they do manage to avoid Right and Wrong altogether with their concerns over the "acceptable" and "unacceptable" nature of their policies. Are we concerned about morality here, or finding loopholes in club regulations?

12.   If the Boy Scouts of America makes a decision on this policy that disagrees with your own view, will you continue to participate in the Boy Scouts, or will you leave the organization?

In as much as I have up until now? Most definitely.

13.   How likely is it that you would recommend volunteering in the Scouting program to other friends or acquaintances?

Not very likely. But that's just me.

After having gone through the questionnaire, I felt that the scenarios and decisions offered by the BSA fell short in truly addressing the issue at hand. Therefore, I have taken the liberty of suggesting a few Additional Questions of my own:

1.       Raymond is openly homosexual, but a celibate pastor at the local Unitarian church. Archibald, on the other hand, is a vocally heterosexual father of three, but was recently caught masturbating to a Justin Bieber video. Both are applying for Troop Leader. Which one is better qualified to teach your children how to tie knots?

2.       Do you feel that allowing homosexuals into the Boy Scouts of America with positively or negatively impact the organization's goofy-ass uniforms?

3.       Rate the following items as either Not Gay, Kinda Gay, Definitely Gay, Very Gay, or Way Gay:
a.       Camping
b.      Nature
c.       Paisley
d.      Neckerchiefs
e.      Knee-High Shorts
f.        Accessorizing
g.       Badges
h.      Pitching Tents
i.         Stacking Wood
j.        Webelos
k.       Anal sex

4.       How Gay is Too Gay? Provide examples.

5.       Matthew is attracted to young boys because their lack of secondary sex characteristics makes them look more feminine. Does this make Matthew too gay to be a scout leader, or not gay enough to shun?

No need to thank me. Seriously, it's the least I could do.

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