Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Gay Boy Scout Quiz

Boy Scouts of America
Boy Scouts of America (Photo credit: FeeBeeDee)

Recently, the Boy Scouts of America has come under fire by pro-gay activist groups for not allowing openly gay individuals to participate in all of their Boy Scout fun and games. Their reaction to this growing pressure has been the gradual contemplation of removing these restrictions. This, of course, has caused them to come under fire by anti-gay activists for even thinking of letting gay people near weenie-roasts and tent-pitching. Because, you know, that shit's for straight people.

In an attempt to weakly rationalize any decision that they might make down the line, the BSA recently sent out a questionnaire asking Pack Leaders and Parents of Boy Scouts their feelings about how "acceptable" or "unacceptable" outdated bigotry is when it comes to club membership restrictions. Not willing to be left out of the conversation, I decided to way in on the survey myself, although with written answers in lieu of their Acceptability Range, which actually includes the choice "Neither Acceptable Nor Unacceptable." Nice choice, guys.

Anyway, here are "The Questions" as provided by Towleroad, along with answers as provided by yours truly.

1.       Bob is 15 years old, and the only openly gay Scout in a Boy Scout troop. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for the troop leader to allow Bob to tent with a heterosexual boy on an overnight camping trip?

The answer to this questions depends on whether Bob is aggressively homosexual or merely passively gay, if the boy he is teamed up with is actually a closeted homosexual, and whether Bob reacted to the sleeping arrangements by repeatedly winking while making references to "Pitching a tent together."

2.       Tom started in the program as a Tiger Cub, and finished every requirement for the Eagle Scout Award at 16 years of age. At his board of review Tom reveals that he is gay. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for the review board to deny his Eagle Scout award based on that admission?

Denying Tom his Eagle Scout award is only acceptable if his secret homosexuality somehow gave him an unfair advantage over other straight members of the Tiger Club (which, incidentally, sounds like a gay bar)when it came to completing his expected tasks. I've never been a member of the Boy Scouts, so for all I know, homosexuality could very well be a Performance Enhancing trait.

3.       Johnny, a first grade boy, has joined Tiger Cubs with his friends. Johnny’s friends and their parents unanimously nominate Johnny’s mom, who is known by them to be lesbian, to be the den leader. Johnny’s pack is chartered to a church where the doctrine of that faith does not teach that homosexuality is wrong. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for his mother to serve as a den leader for his Cub Scout den?

If Johnny's friends and their parents have no problem with a Lesbian Den Leader, but the church chartering their pack considers her a soulless deviant unworthy of such a position, maybe the better question should be why these people are members of that church in the first place. Also, are "pack" and "den" interchangeable? If not, how many packs can be in a den, or is it multiple dens per pack?

4.       A troop is chartered by an organization that does not believe homosexuality is wrong and allows gays to be ministers. The youth minister traditionally serves as the Scoutmaster for the troop. The congregation hires a youth minister who is gay. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for this youth minister to serve as the Scoutmaster?

Why is there a question in here with no conflict? The organization is gay-friendly, the congregation is gay-friendly, and the youth minister is gay, is it okay that the Scoutmaster is gay? What sense does this question make? Everybody likes ice cream. Is it okay that people eat ice cream?

5.       David, a Boy Scout, believes that homosexuality is wrong. His troop is chartered to a church where the doctrine of that faith also teaches that homosexuality is wrong. Steve, an openly gay youth, applies to be a member in the troop and is denied membership. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for this troop to deny Steve membership in their troop?

I think a more important question is why Steve would want to belong to a group funded by and populated with people who are predisposed to hate him, and what the hell does David have to do with anything in this question?

6.       A gay male troop leader, along with another adult leader, is taking a group of boys on a camping trip following the youth protection guidelines of two-deep leadership. Is it acceptable or unacceptable for the gay adult leader to take adolescent boys on an overnight camping trip?

It should be fine as long as the gay male troop leader doesn't confuse "two-deep" leadership with "too-deep" leadership. Get it? That's an anal sex joke. Or an oral sex joke, depending which way you swing. Besides that, however, if "two-deep leadership" is meant to protect the youth, then wouldn't having the supposedly heterosexual adult leader (the question never specifies whether the other leader is straight or not) in tow prevent any gay shenanigans, or is it okay for the gay troop leader to sodomize the attending youth as long as the other troop leader is there to watch and make sure that he doesn't go "too-deep." Heh, I did it again.

7.       The current Boy Scouts of America requirements, stated above, prohibit open homosexuals from being Scouts or adult Scout leaders. To what extent do you support or oppose this requirement?

Can we just shorten this question to "Gays: Yea or Nay?"

8.       Different organizations that charter Boy Scout troops have different positions on the morality of homosexuality. Do you support or oppose allowing charter organizations to follow their own beliefs when selecting Boy Scout members and adult leaders, if that means there will be different standards from one organization to the next?

This raises an even better question: Is it wise for an organization, such as the BSA, to allow organizations without diametrically opposing moral standards to charter groups within the organization? For an organization so high and might about moral values, they sure do seem willing to whore themselves out to anybody willing to "charter" a group.

9.       What is your greatest concern if the policy remains in place and openly gay youth and adults are prohibited from joining Scouting?

Personally, none. I am neither gay nor a Boy Scout ( a fact for which both groups are most likely thankful), and am therefore not directly affected one way or the other, other than the fostering of the righteous indignation that I naturally feel against any organization that attempts to rationalize otherwise bigoted or socially ignorant restrictive policies.

10.   What is your greatest concern if the policy is changed to allow charter organizations to make their own decisions to admit openly gay Scouts and leaders?

That there will be one less thing to make fun of the Boy Scouts about.

11.   Do you believe the current policy prohibiting open homosexuals from being Scouts or adult Scout leaders is a core value of Scouting found in the Scout Oath and Law?

A better question might be, whether or not the policy is upheld by Scout Oath and Law, if that policy is right or wrong regardless. Again, for a group so big on morality, they do manage to avoid Right and Wrong altogether with their concerns over the "acceptable" and "unacceptable" nature of their policies. Are we concerned about morality here, or finding loopholes in club regulations?

12.   If the Boy Scouts of America makes a decision on this policy that disagrees with your own view, will you continue to participate in the Boy Scouts, or will you leave the organization?

In as much as I have up until now? Most definitely.

13.   How likely is it that you would recommend volunteering in the Scouting program to other friends or acquaintances?

Not very likely. But that's just me.

After having gone through the questionnaire, I felt that the scenarios and decisions offered by the BSA fell short in truly addressing the issue at hand. Therefore, I have taken the liberty of suggesting a few Additional Questions of my own:

1.       Raymond is openly homosexual, but a celibate pastor at the local Unitarian church. Archibald, on the other hand, is a vocally heterosexual father of three, but was recently caught masturbating to a Justin Bieber video. Both are applying for Troop Leader. Which one is better qualified to teach your children how to tie knots?

2.       Do you feel that allowing homosexuals into the Boy Scouts of America with positively or negatively impact the organization's goofy-ass uniforms?

3.       Rate the following items as either Not Gay, Kinda Gay, Definitely Gay, Very Gay, or Way Gay:
a.       Camping
b.      Nature
c.       Paisley
d.      Neckerchiefs
e.      Knee-High Shorts
f.        Accessorizing
g.       Badges
h.      Pitching Tents
i.         Stacking Wood
j.        Webelos
k.       Anal sex

4.       How Gay is Too Gay? Provide examples.

5.       Matthew is attracted to young boys because their lack of secondary sex characteristics makes them look more feminine. Does this make Matthew too gay to be a scout leader, or not gay enough to shun?

No need to thank me. Seriously, it's the least I could do.

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