5/29: The Trouble with Short Guys

The Tall T (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It's not my fault. 

Believe me, I had nothing to do with it. Genetic dice were thrown, and the end result is that you are 5'2" and balding prematurely at twenty-seven. Besides the fact that I'm over a foot taller than you and still have a full head of hair as I rapidly approach forty, there is no connection between your stature and my ability to reach the high shelves in the supermarket. I had about as much control over your genetic makeup as I did mine, and see no reason why I should have to suffer for your vertical shortcomings.

So why do I have to deal with it every time I bump into one of you? Obviously, I don't mean all short people. That would be quite a lot of conflict wandering around under chin level for a guy my height. We're mostly talking about men under five and a half feet who body build to overcompensate for their height-fueled inferiority complex and turn everything into a pissing contest. 

This especially goes for cops and business types. Any guy wearing a badge or a power tie and is inching around five feet is almost guaranteed to be a volatile powder-keg of Napoleonic rage, just waiting to flex his self worth issues on anyone whose nipples are higher than his shoulders. Which means I have to immediately deal with an attitude and confrontational tone that you would think is unnecessary in a civilized society. 

Great, so you have to ask your wife to get stuff out of the high kitchen cabinets, and you have to look up to make eye contact with most teenagers. Don't take your midget angst out on me just because women don't like dating short guys, so you had to settle for some diminutive post-emo scrapbooker with severe daddy issues. I'm sorry, but you must be this tall for me to give a shit.

Long story short: Life isn't fair, and not everybody gets to go on the big-boy rides. Spend your tickets at the Ting Toss booth and get out of my face. I have ceiling light bulbs to change.

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Saw VI: Lemony Freshness in an Open Wound

I don't watch much television these days, mostly because I don't nee the aggravation. But in the past couple of weeks, I have noticed a series of Pledge commercials that feature housewives being locked in a glass cube with dusty furniture.





The more I see these commercials, the more I can see this glass box showing up as a torture test in the next SAW sequel. One scene particular keeps popping into my head:


INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

The warehouse is full of old boxes, discarded machine shop equipment, and random piles of trash. A large glass box sits inside the center of the space. Inside the glass box is a mock setup of a household kitchen, including a breakfast nook, an over sized refrigerator, and a counter-mounted television . The counters, cabinets, and appliances are all coated in filth.

A Young Woman sits unconscious on a kitchen chair inside the glass box. She is dressed in casual clothing, and looks as if she has recently been in a scuffle. A large metal collar is around her neck. A long metal cord attaches the collar to the television.

The Young Woman wakes up. Confused and panicking, she whips her head around. The cord pulls a pin out of the television. The television turns on. Jigsaw's tricycle riding puppet appears on the screen.

JIGSAW PUPPET

Hello, Emily. I want to play a game with you.

The Young Woman, Emily, paces around the mock kitchen, examining the glass walls for openings and looking in random cabinets.

JIGSAW PUPPET

You have been an untidy person your entire life.
Messy, sloppy, and unkempt, you have stumbled
through life allowing others to clean up after you.
You have voluntarily spent your life living in filth,
condemning your few friends and loved ones to
suffer through the mobile rubbish bin you call your
life.

It is now your turn to clean up after others, Emily.
Now is your chance to prove that you are worthy
of the life you have so carelessly filled with clutter
and refuse.
Emily opens a cabinet over the television. In it are a can of Pledge, a roll of paper towels, and a time clock. The time clock turns on and starts counting down from twenty minutes.

JIGSAW PUPPET

This kitchen was once a notorious bachelor
pad, a house in which twelve men lived as you have,
never cleaning, never tidying, never picking up after
themselves. The house was eventually abandoned
with six months of back rent owed.

You have twenty minutes to clean every surface of
this kitchen until it is completely free of all dust, dirt,
grime, mildew, mold, and allergens. If the kitchen has
not been cleaned to showroom quality by the time the
clock runs out, your glass cage will become your tomb.
The walls will compress down to a one foot cube,
which will be picked up by a rubbish collection agency
tomorrow morning.
Emily grabs the paper towels and Pledge. She looks at them. She looks around the room. She looks back at the can of Pledge.

The television turns off. Emily Screams.


The big twist ending could be that, since Jigsaw is dead, these new attacks have been perpetrated by his latest accomplices, the two British cleaning women from How Clean is Your House?

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