Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Miss California, Carrie Prejean: Topless and Clueless

Wow, it really hasn't been a good month for hot chicks, has it?

First, Susan Boyle confuses television and youtube viewers by being a talented singer and unattractive at the same time. News and Tabloid outlets (if there is a difference) paraded her around like the Elephant Man and asked a bewildered world how such a thing could occur. Attractive pop singers became the butt of a lot of jokes, mainly about how they were rich and beautiful, but not nearly as talented, and therefore undeserving of the billions of dollars we had spent making them rich and famous. Of course, that meant the joke was on us, so it only took a week or two for everyone to forget Boyle and her unattractive talented self.

Then, Carrie Prejean (pronounce pri-ten-shuhs) came out on the Today show and announced that she would be working with (see: using her pageant title to promote) the National Organization for Marriage. NOM isn't pro-marriage as much as it is anti-gay marraige, and the idea of a Miss Anything hoping on the advertising budget of a group this controversial in nature was enough to garner her all of the Prime-Time news coverage that she didn't want.

The immediate response was from pageant officials. Embarrassed enough to implicate their own phoniness just to smear Miss "Opposite Marriage" California, they openly admitted to paying for her boob job. In typical fashion for people unaware of how phony they are, they released the information to make Prejean look bad, while at the same time remarking how it isn't shocking that they paid for them. The rest of the world was slightly more aware, and therefore unimpressed enough by the duplicity to not care.

Of course, equation of Public Media Sensation + Attractive Model + Attention Starved almost always = Nude Photos, it didn't take long for Carrie's teenage indiscretions to earn front page coverage across the tabloids in the form of a semi-nude photo of her in pink panties.

Faced with being unpopular (a social situation I am sure Blondie McPlatiboobs is completely unfamiliar with), Carrie immediately leapt to her own defense by attempting to redefine her plight as religious persecution, rather than an unfortunate series of Blonde Moments:

"My comments defending traditional marriage have led to intimidation tactics that seek to undermine my reputation and somehow silence me and my beliefs, as if opinion is only a one-way street.

"I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos. Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid website that openly mocks me for my Christian faith.

"I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. But these attacks on me and others who speak in defense of traditional marriage are intolerant and offensive. While we may not agree on every issue, we should show respect for others' opinions and not try to silence them through vicious and mean-spirited attacks."

Every time someone tries to use their religion to justify bigoted behavior, they should be slapped. I'm not just suggesting this as a novel concept; I'm proposing that we actually sign it into law. We could call it Carrie's Law.

Let's take two anti-gay marriage individuals. We'll call them Adam and Steve, just to be funny. Adam says he is against gay marriage because he doesn't like gays. All will agree that Adam is simply a bigot. Now Steve is also against gay marriage, but he insists that his opposition is due to the teachings of his religion. Both of these jackasses hold the same views, yet Steve is more likely to get a pass on being called out on his position because of the belief system he subscribes to. If you disapprove of Adam for his views, you are simply repelled by his ignorant opinion. If, however, you oppose Steve's opinion, you are insulting his religion, suppressing his freedom of religion, and attacking the very Creator to which his everlasting soul belongs.

Not exactly a logical argument, is it?

Of course, no one really expects anyone crowned Miss California to be armed with a vast arsenal of logical arguments. I haven't checked, but I seriously doubt it is in the job description. Odds are, no one has ever really had the heart to break the news to her. If possible, someone close to Carrie (relative, handler, PR rep, spiritual guide, nutritionist, stylist, plastic surgeon) should try to get a message through to poor little Carrie.

Carrie, you need to face the truth. People are not mocking you because of your Christian faith. They are mocking you because:
  1. You are, quite simply, stupid. I hate to be mean here, but... on second thought, I don't mind being mean in this case. You're an idiot.
  2. Let's face it; most people just downright hate beauty pageant winners. Honestly, the whole pageant industry has become such a cliche it is almost unbelievable that they still hold them. They should either come right out and combine them into one gigantic Miss Hot Bimbo contest, or scrap the entire concept and just dole the scholarship funds out to the homely students with the good grades and future aspirations that rise beyond advocating literacy and closing puppy mills.
  3. You are using the title bestowed upon you, no matter how ludicrous it might be, to publicize an agenda that isn't exactly part of the pageant's platform. If you had incorporated Anti-Gay Marriage rhetoric into your little beauty contest speeches, maybe people wouldn't have been so shocked in the first place.
  4. Irony. Look it up, then reconsider that you placed yourself in a position in which you condemned others for a lack of Morality, and were then promptly exposed as having broken the Morality Clause of your own contract. Ironic.
  5. You really are an idiot.

Whoever decides to play messenger, please get to her before her next press conference or shameless cable news promotional appearance. I'm not really concerned about her making a bigger ass out of herself; I'm just not sure I want her fifteen minutes in the national spotlight to last longer than Susan Boyle's.


Anonymous said...

Weird. A bigot calling a bigot a bigot. She's defending an opinion based on a belief due to religion and upbringing. So what if she has an opportunity to express this or any viewpoint on tv due to however she gains the exposure. You're defending an opinion based on malice and malcontent through your means of exposure. And yet she's the bigot. That's ironic.

S. Michael Wilson said...

Maybe it seems weird because you're almost as confused as Little Miss 'Don't Deny Me My Freedom of Speech'.

My argument isn't against her stating her beliefs on television. Any idiot can do that, as she has so aptly demonstrated. My argument is her crying about being 'persecuted' for basically breaking the rules; lying about previous photographic exposure on her signed contract and publicly promoting an organization not supported by her employers among the worst of them.

As far as my "defending an opinion based on malice and malcontent" making me a bigot, that only makes sense if I am lashing out against an entire group of people for their beliefs. As I so clearly stated, this isn't about her beliefs, it is about her being an idiot.

You see, calling me a bigot for ridiculing the actions of one person is as stupid as Prejean crying about her 'Constitutionally Protected Freedom of Speech'. The constitution protects her from being silenced by the government, not from being mocked and ridiculed. Making fun of her doesn't make me a bigot, just an asshole.

But even if Prejean is a bigot and I'm an asshole, at least both of us have the balls to put our names behind our opinions, oh anonymous one. And for that I'll give her credit; as stupid as I might think her opinions are, she stood behind them and didn't flinch. Sure, she might be a confused drama-queen pageant bimbo, but at least she doesn't stoop as low as posting an anonymous reply calling someone a bigot. That would be cowardly and spineless, and at least she's a bigger man than that.