Saturday, June 25, 2011

Police Blotters - The Cynic's Funny Papers

.40S&W cartridge next to expanded hollow point...Image via WikipediaI occasionally like to peruse the Police Blotter section of my local newspaper, just to see what sort of hi-jinks my  fellow free citizens are up to in the surrounding areas. I don't really recommend it, but I also make it a habit of doing things that are of no benefit to my well being and peace of mine.

The Warren Reporter, my local free weekly paper full of local news and community activities, has a segment in the Police News section they like to call Fugitive of the Week. What is worrisome about this is that they don't bother to explain why this individual is in such great demand this particular week, but only that authorities are really eager to speak with him or her about something or other. The perpetrator's nefarious deeds are kept a sadistic secret, leaving me with only their physical description, last known location, and driver's license photo to hint at what offense could have possibly elevated this person to such a prestigious position. What sort of heinous misdeeds could have drawn such attention? Loitering around school playgrounds carrying a fishing pole with Tootsie Roll lures? Tackling priests naked during baptisms? Molesting dead squirrels beneath the highway off ramp? I have too sordid and perverse of an imagination to be left with such an unanswered question.

The truths behind this week's highlights is a little easier to divine, as was a general rule to live by: don't call attention to yourself if you have something to hide.

It seems that police were summoned last Friday night with reports that a Phillipsburg man had fired six shots from a handgun. Police arrived and were informed that the man had indeed fired six shots, but had done so because a Pit Bull had attacked his own dog. The police didn't find a Pit Bull or any discernible marks on the man's dog, but they did find that the remaining four shells in the man's .44-caliber handgun were illegal hollow-point bullets.

That previous Wednesday night, while police were interviewing a woman while investigating a "civil matter," the man in question drove by the front porch where the officers were talking to the woman and honked; not once, but twice. Annoyed enough to pull the man over in a nearby parking lot, police noticed a steel pipe and a baggy full of a leafy substance in his center console when he pulled out his license and registration. He was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia, synthetic cannabis and, go figure, a suspended license.
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