Book Review: NUCLEAR JELLYFISH by Tim Dorsey

I laughed out loud.

That's right, you heard me. I laughed out loud. That doesn't happen often to me when reading a book. So when it does, I take notice.

And I didn't just laugh once. Not by a long shot. I laughed often, chuckled repeatedly, and smiled almost the entire way through.

I have a new favorite author, and his name is Tim Dorsey.

Tim Dorsey has managed to create the ultimate anti-hero in Serge A. Storms, the psychotic/obsessive/compulsive/homicidal/vengeful/chaotic force of nature that travels the lovely state of Florida with his completely useless and helpless junkie alcoholic sidekick, Coleman.

When we first meet Serge and Coleman in the book, they are staking out a bridge, discussing Lynyrd Skynyrd, and wearing diapers in reverence of a lunatic astronaut.

This alone should make you want to start reading.

Serge has decided to launch his own Travel Guide Blog to Florida, featuring handy survival tips for the Floridian Tourist, such as how to tell where the criminals are sleeping by the way the cars are parked, and how to avoid Barracuda Hookers. This quest has him criss-crossing the Sunshine state in search of the iconic landmarks littering its landscape, many of them involving Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Along the way, Serge and his Incompetent Compatriot pick up a hitchhiking exotic dancer on a mission of vengeance and tuition, stumble upon a band of diamond smuggling coin collectors, and go head to head with a blood-thirsty sociopath with a horribly botched glow-in-the-dark tattoo, all the while being chased down by a suspended detective perpetual stuck in a crime fiction noir novel, and a mysterious stranger who seems to know Serge's every move better then he knows himself.

Still not interested?

Despite all of this, Serge manages to periodically take time out to exact twisted justice on perceived predators of the everyday civilian in a myriad of inventively gruesome ways. Combining his love of Home Depot with his distaste for con-men, hustlers, predators and all-around villains, Serge exacts a MacGyver-like ingenuity with a diabolical mean streak that guarantees a high death-toll, and amusing assortment of severed limbs, and over a million hits on YouTube.

What more could you want?

Tim Dorsey manages to combine the madcap with the morose, and creates a Punisher meets The Three Stooges romp through Florida that is exciting, unpredictable, and laugh-out-loud hilarious.

Trust me, just read the book already. You'll thank me.

Book Review: SAFER by Sean Doolittle

Everyone wants to live in a town where everyone knows each other, where everyone keeps an eye out for their neighbor, a place where you always belong. But what if this idyllic community slowly turned into a Brave New Neighborhood? What everyone knew you more than you would like, your neighbors kept to close an eye on you, and when they didn't like what they saw, decided that you were no longer welcome?

Sean Doolittle takes a handful of modern paranoid fears and combines them into a tight, engaging, and suspenseful tale of abusive power and overly cautious neighbors.

When Paul Callaway follows his wife and her new job of assistant dean to a cozy little midwestern town, he already feels a little out of place. He tries his best to fit in with his new neighbors, but quickly finds himself clashing with the local community's version of John Walsh; the father of an abducted and murdered child who now spearheads civic response teams and neighborhood watches.

Paul's marriage begins to fray at the edges, and his disagreement with his manipulative neighbor turns into a full blown feud. Then he discovers that there's much more going on behind the scenes than anyone imagined, and before he knows what's happening, he's being arrested on charges of sexual misconduct with his neighbor's teenage daughter.

What follows is a journey into the substantive fears of the modern man. Exactly how much of our lives is under surveillance? How many freedoms do we willingly and unknowingly sacrifice in the the name of security? How do you prove your innocence when a minor falsely accuses you of sexual improprieties? Can one man really prevail against the system when the system has it out for him?

Everyone just wants to feel safe. But as Paul Callaway soon discovers, sometimes the Safer you feel, the more at risk you truly are.

Like any good suspense novel, the key is believability. Doolittle keeps everything within the realm of reason, and has no trouble convincing the reader to play along. The personalities are distinct but never overblown, the events that take place are always feasible, and the motivations of the characters are never questionable.

As with the best suspense novels, it is scary because you believe it could happen to you.

Rallying the Troops, So to Speak...

My book Monster Rally has been officially available for nearly a month now, so I thought I would give a quick update. I'm trying to restrict most news to my author website, but a little catching up is always good.

Amazon has come such a long way from being a simple online bookseller. It is practically a social networking site in its own way, although it still doesn't have as many distractions as Facebook. As of now, not only can you purchase Monster Rally at Amazon.com, but you can also:

• Browse its contents using the Look Inside feature.
• Read and leave comments on the Author's Blog.
• Join in on discussions specifically connected to the book (I just started one about serial killers/mass murderers and their influence on the cinema).
• Search the book for specific topics using the Search Inside feature.
  
• Create lists with Monster Rally featured in them.

Needless to say, I'm having a lot of fun with these features, and plan on abusing them regularly. I hope get a chance to swing by and join in the fun.

The times, they are a-hurtin'.

It's probably starting to become an annoying, obnoxious, and somewhat redundant sentiment to share, but I'm afraid I can't quite help myself.

Things are tough all over.

I was dining out last week, something that I have been doing a lot less of as of late. Being both a writer and a voyeur, I found myself falling into the nasty habit of eavesdropping on nearby tables. Dinnertime conversations in public places are often far more intimate and personal than they should be. Curiosity always forces my hand, and in the conversational gaps at my own table, I take in the voices filtering over from those near me.

The older group of diners to my left including a man who had just been laid off that weekend. He was two years short of retirement, and the company he worked for had cut him loose as part of a desperate attempt to keep from going bankrupt.

I know how he feels. Literally.

Last month, my full-time employer did the same thing to me. I was a senior employee with nearly fifteen years of service under my belt, great performance reviews all around. But the recession that has spent the last year building up speed hit the corporate and financial worlds hard. So hard that budgets were slashed on everything, including advertising and basic services.

The film and television industry usually survives minor ticks in the economy, as entertainment is cheap, and advertising is always connected to it. But the money disappeared from the top as well as the bottom this time, and bank accounts are lighter at both ends of the spectrum. Lets put it this way: when Soap Operas are forced to cut their budgets, you know things aren't looking too good.

But like the older gentleman at the table next to me, I'm not scared of this downturn of events. It is always easy to feel sorry for yourself, but it is even easier to turn on the news for an hour or two and realize that there are people out there in far worse shape than you. This is true now more than ever. Things are truly tough all over.

My High School science teacher used to say that all species must either Adapt, Migrate, or Perish. She ended up retiring early due to a brain hemorrhage, inadvertently proving her point and demonstrating the concept of Irony at the same time. But she had a point.

So, I'll be tapping into the Unemployment Insurance I have been paying into over the past eighteen years, and using the opportunity to go back to school full-time. I'll also be using the extra time to concentrate on my writing, promoting Monster Rally, and shopping my screenplays around.

I've got my health, my talent, and my brand new Vespa. Who could ask for anything more?

Holiday Wishes (in a bookish sort of way)

One of my fondest Christmas memories is from the winter of ’85.

It was my twelfth celebration of the holidays, and they still held that excitement that is multiplied by childhood; that almost narcotic eagerness that gradually diminishes with the coming of adulthood. I had barely managed to sleep at all that night. I was awake and ready for the festivities to begin by five in the morning. Even pretending to sleep another hour or two was no an option.

The rules for Christmas morning (I believe some people like to refer to them as ‘traditions’) had been firmly established years ago. My younger brother and I knew them well. Mom and Dad were allowed to awaken on heir own, and the unwrapping of presents would only commence when they had bathrobes on and coffee in hand. However, stockings were open game, and could be taken down as soon as we were up. They were huge four foot macramé stockings, and were always stuffed with enough toys and candy to distract us long enough for the coffee to brew.

Hell bent on Xmas booty, I snuck through the dark house and retrieved my stocking, making it to the living room and back without turning on any lights. Unfortunately, the lamp in my bedroom chose that moment to die out, and I found myself stuck in total darkness with a gigantic sock full of goodies. Determined to dig in, I stayed in the pitch black room and dug each item out of the stocking, silently identifying them by size, weight and shape.

The last item, buried at the bottom of the stocking, was also the largest. It was a hardcover book. I could feel slick dust cover and ruffle the pages, but no matter how hard I tried, my eyes would not adjust enough for me to make out the title of the book. I could venture into another room and turn on a light, but I was afraid I might accidentally wake Mom and Dad up, and it was way to early for that to be risked.

Unwilling to give up and set the book aside until later, I sat there in the darkness and waited for dawn. The minutes went by slowly. The first light of Christmas morning eventually filled my bedroom, I was finally able to make out he cover of Douglas Adams’ newest novel, So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish.

I have received countless treasured gifts throughout the years, before and since. But for some reason, my mind will always go back to the frustration, anticipation, and eventual elation of that particular morning. I don’t know why books have always held such a fascination for me. There is something about the bound page and printed word that promises experiences and emotions, thoughts and ideas, that you never suspected were in you.

That fond Christmas memory is now twenty three years old. Age and wisdom may have slightly dimmed the sparkling spectacle of wrapped gifts and bulging stockings. But books still manage to raise a simple and childish joy deep within me. Somehow, they still manage to make me believe. I hesitate to call it magic. Passion might be a better word for it.

No matter where you are, or how you choose to celebrate it, may the Holidays fill you with the same magic, or passion, that it did for me that dimly lit December day.

Merry Christmas to all.

Book Review: MY INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL, MISERABLE LIFE by Adam Nimoy

One would assume that Adam Nimoy wrote this book in an attempt to capture the audiences of two specific markets: The ‘Behind-the-Scenes Hollywood Tell-All’ and the ‘Bizarre and the Horrific Yet Somehow Humorous Memoir’. Of course, the key to writing for a specific market is to give that audience what it wants. This is where Adam’s book fails to deliver.

Behind-the-Scenes readers love to get the inside gossip behind their favorite movies and TV shows. Not only was Adam Nimoy the director of some widely popular and highly successful television programs (Ally McBeal and NYPF Blues), but as the son of the second-most recognizable cast member of the original Star Trek, he had an opportunity to give a unique perspective to the making of the most famous science-fiction show in US history. Considering the number of Star Trek memoirs available (I am Spock, Get a Life, To the Stars, From Sawdust to Stardust, Beam Me Up Scotty and Warped Factors, to name but a few), one more wouldn’t have broken the camel’s back. And considering that the Star Trek franchise simply refuses to die, it isn’t necessarily a bad horse to hitch your wagon to.

But Adam Nimoy doesn’t appear to want anything to do with that. He doesn’t exactly avoid discussing his father’s iconic role as Dr. Spock, but he only mentions it about as frequently as he would have mentioned his father’s vocation if had happened to by a plumber or taxidermist. He gives just enough of a taste to annoy any Star Trek fans who might have reasonably expected more.

It wouldn’t really appear that Adam was trying to sidestep his father’s shadow, except the place where such a familial connection should have been proudly displayed is conspicuously void of any mention. Neither the book’s title, nor it’s underwhelming cover, give any real clue as to who Adam Nimoy is. His last name is the only indication to the casual shelf browser of the most interesting thing about the author.

That list bit may seem harsh, but it is undeniably true. The ups and downs of Nimoy’s life, while well-written and somewhat entertaining, aren’t extreme enough to be terribly engrossing. Addiction to alcohol and marijuana isn’t exactly uncommon these days, and the same goes for people losing their jobs, wives, and self-esteem. That’s why most popular memoirists have survived lives that have been amazingly bizarre (Running with Scissors), side-splittingly funny (Me Talk Pretty One Day), or at least partially fictional (A Million Little Pieces). Adam’s life isn’t any of these. Maybe it would have been more along those lines if he had included more about his film and television experiences.

But maybe that is why he decided to label his book as an Anti-Memoir; because whatever you might be looking for in a memoir from a famous actor’s son, the odds are that you won’t find it here.

Book Review: TALES FROM OUTER SUBURBIA by Shaun Tan

To say that Shaun Tan has switched gears with his newest book is an understatement. Tales from Outer Suburbia differs from The Arrival as greatly as Maus differs from Mars Needs Moms!. Tan has shifted from a silent and captivating depiction of the displacement and wonder felt by a family of immigrants, to a collection of endearing short stories about the bizarre happenings in a quaint little town. The good news is that neither the art nor storytelling has suffered from the transition. The art is rich and warm, with a slightly surreal feeling, while the stories are simple tales with deeper philosophical and moralistic meanings blended into the background. This is the kind of book that imaginative children will love, and adults who fondly remember books like Where the Sidewalk Ends will embrace.

Book Quote: NUCLEAR JELLYFISH by Tim Dorsey

"Am I damaged?"

Serge placed a hand on his pal's shoulder. "Coleman, there are three - and only three - kinds of people in this world: Those who don't know they're damaged and blame others; those who realize they're damaged and blame others; and then people like you and me, who wear damage like comfortable pajamas."

Coleman swigged from his pint bottle. "Mine are the ones with the little feet."

Book Review: My Custom Van by Michael Ian Black

Michael Ian Black is recognizable from his appearances on numerous TV shows (among them Ed, The State, and Reno 911!), or as co-writer of the Simon Pegg film Run, Fat Boy, Run! Luckily, his comedic talents are not limited to film and television productions.

My Custom Van is a wonderful collection of short (yet powerful) humorous essays that amuse and delight at every page. Covering a range of bizarre topics, Black covers everything from how a chicken might describe himself on a dating service, to reasons not to buy Tundra from a door-to-door salesman, to what must go through Billy Joel’s mind as he drives to a holiday party (my personal favorite). Whether he is compiling a list of New Year resolutions or drafting a suicide note, Black is laugh-out-loud funny with an absurd sense of humor and a dry wit.

If you only buy one book this year, make sure it is McCarthy Cormac’s The Road. But if you manage to purchase two, you might want to squeeze this comedic gem onto your shopping list.

Literary Censorship in New Rochelle

Yes folks, this is the kind of thing you have to keep a lookout for. What's truly scary about this is that most of the acts of literary censorship that take place in America these days are instigated and carried out by our very own educational institutions.

Students at New Rochelle High School are going to find it difficult to complete their next assignment: comparing the film adaptation of Girl, Interrupted to the best-selling book. In the book, Kaysen recounts her confinement at a Massachusetts mental hospital in the 1960's.

Pages from the middle of the book have been torn out by the school district after having been deemed "inappropriate" by school officials due to sexual content and strong language. Removed is a scene where the rebellious Lisa (played by Angela Jolie in the movie) encourages Susanna (played by Winona Ryder) to circumvent hospital rules against sexual intercourse by engaging in oral sex instead.

"The material was of a sexual nature that we deemed inappropriate for teachers to present to their students," said English Department Chariperson Leslie Altschul, "since the book has other redeeming features, we took the liberty of bowdlerizing."

Book Review: The Army of the Republic by Stuart Archer Cohen

Stuart Archer Cohen’s new novel is, to say the least, polarizing. His world view and philosophical outlook inform both the message and the tone of the book. So, needless to say, some readers are not going to be pleased with what they find between the covers. But, if you can put your firm and unwavering convictions aside and allow this tale of dictatorship and dissent to speak to you, you might actually enjoy the ride.

One way in which the book will not change some minds is through the hyper-realistic settings and events. When writing a cautionary tale about modern-day events and politics, most authors will either keep the narrative grounded firmly in the real world. Some, however, will make their point by taking real events and situations and exaggerating them to an almost absurd degree. The latter, while sometimes distracting, does not necessarily discredit the message within. 1984, A Brave New World, and Atlas Shrugged are just some examples of philosophical theses successfully encapsulated in a science-fiction or fantasy shell. The Army of the Republic may seem far fetched in some spots, and may occasionally overreach in others. But those perturbed by this might be better off reading a Clancy or Grisham paperback. Deep (and sometimes radical) beliefs occasionally need to be shouted from soap boxes bigger than the real world can currently afford us.

Cohen may not be successful in converting the unconvinced with his spectacular tale of ruthless corporate oligarchs, Blackwater reminiscent death squads, and radical underground movements. But he makes his argument loud, clear, and most importantly, highly entertaining.

Book Review: The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Young adult novels have always had a dark side, so to speak; a sub-genre that eschews peer pressure and turbulent relationships for death, despair, and destruction. This is not a recent trend. For every Death Note you find today, you can find an equally disturbing Z for Zachariah. While much of today’s dark teen novels lean towards the supernatural, you will occasionally find one that ventures into more classical science fiction territory. Suzanne Collin’s newest YA novel, The Hunger Games, does so quite successfully. The setting is grim and oppressive, the characters are desperate and hopeless, and the specter of death hangs over every page. And every page will drag the reader eagerly to the next.

Strong and positive female leads are important in young adult novels, and The Hunger Games has the perfect hero in Katniss Everdeen. She is tough, resolute, intelligent, and able. Yet, she still struggles with the same confused feelings and emotions that young girls need to cope with, even when not fighting to the death in a government sponsored reality show/snuff film. As she struggles to survive the deadly prime-time death match she has been unfairly thrust into, she deal not only with these typical teenage dilemmas, but also greater issues concerning government, society, morality, and honor.

All of this might seem like a lot for one book to handle, but Hunger Games manages to do so without coming off too preachy or instructional. Granted, the Hunger Games themselves (which are very reminiscent of previous books like Stephen King’s Running Man, or Koushun Takami’s manga series Battle Royale), as well as the post-apocalyptic dictatorship Panem that holds the event, might not hold up under the scrutiny that hardcore science-fiction novels sometimes demand. But for a young adult science-fantasy novel like this, demanding one-hundred-percent social-political realism seems a tad unfair. What matters is that the characters and setting support the characters and subject matter, and manage to do so with the captivating suspense of any mainstream paperback thriller.

Beverly Garland dead at 82

Beverly Garland, famous actress of classic sitcom and cult B-move fame, has died at the age of 82. Among her many films, Garland starred in the Peter Graves/Lee Van Cleef sci-fi fick It Conquered the World as Cleef's wife. "It Conquered the World" is one of the films written about in MONSTER RALLY. Beverly Garland will be both missed and remembered by everyone behind the scenes at Idea Men Productions.

Ebay Idiots

The problem with selling the occasional used book online is that, on occasion, you will have to deal with an idiot. Most of these idiots contact you with rude emails because the package has not arrived as quickly as they would like, despite the inherent problems with the United States Postal Service. Often, when these idiots do contact you, they are demanding, authoritative, and irritating beyond belief.

Idiots like James from Tulsa, OK, who sent this message about a book ordered two weeks ago for just under $1:

I am about to leave negative feedback for non shipment of the mass murder book. Contact me ASAP or I will file a complaint with Ebay.

My problem, of course, is that I hate it when someone says ASAP to me. My response:

Your book was shipped two days after it was ordered. It was shipped via Media Mail, which can take several weeks to arrive. I will send you another shipment notice through Half.com in case you did not receive the last one. Please refrain from threatening action for not receiving items until you have allowed enough time for the item to be received.

James shot back with this:

I ordered almost 2 weeks ago and the notification I received today indicated that it was only shipped today. I am well versed in e-baying and I read all shipping and other details. I am not threating, I was simply stating that if there was not action on your part of the deal, I would take action. It obviously worked since you shipped it today.

And this:

Furthermore, the notification you sent me today said the longest it should take is 12 days. This is what I allowed for and then some before writing and asking for action. This is your "bad", not mine.

My reply:

Let me respond to your multiple messages ASAP.

Directly cut and pasted from Half.com:

'In general, items shipped via Media Mail should arrive in 2 - 9 days (excluding Alaska and Hawaii) from the time of shipping. It is our experience that Media Mail shipments may take as long as 30 days to arrive. Note that the USPS does not guarantee a specified delivery time for Media Mail and it may receive “deferred service.”'

But, since you are "well versed in e-baying" and "read all shipping and other details", you already knew about the above statement, easily found in the shipping section.

You are also correct that you were not, in fact, threatening. You were simply curt, accusatory, and somewhat rude. I can truly understand this, however, as I am well aware of the vast scams being run on the internet these days. As someone "well versed in e-baying" like you knows, there are nefarious criminals out there who make a fortune selling 99 cent paperback books online, then pocketing the change without ever delivering the promised goods. It is important to catch these fiends ASAP, and your well-timed message was merely meant to let the potential thief know that you were hip to the scam. If you had some other way of assuring yourself that I was not a con artist (such as nearly 400 positive feedbacks over the past three years), I have no doubt your initial communication would not have been as abrasive.

My "bad", as you put it, was not marking the item shipped when it was posted two weeks ago (the tracking information on the package will confirm the ship date). For not informing you ASAP of the immediate shipment of this 99 cent paperback, I must humbly and sincerely apologize.

If, for some reason, your package has not arrived by December 6, please be sure to let me know ASAP so that I may look into the matter. If needed, I will send you the tracking information ASAP so the current whereabouts of the package can be determined.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Undoubtedly, there will be more to follow…

Book Review: The Public Domain, by Stephen Fisher

Those looking for quick lists of public domain resources meant for casual perusal and quick consumption will be in for a pleasant surprise. This is not just a guide on where to find public domain materials such as music, photos, and literary works. You will find that information within, but you will find much, much more besides.

Stephen Fishman, an experienced attorney in both government and private practice since 1979, provides all of the legal information that many readers might never have known they needed. Fishman goes into great detail about the history of public domain materials, the legalities of usage and ownership regarding such works, the loopholes to look for, and the pitfalls to avoid.

Other books from Nolo have successfully endeavored to communicate legal information to its readers in clear, simple language. The Public Domain achieves this goal as well, and will undoubtedly act as an indispensable reference to anyone seeking out legally obtainable works in the public domain.