Friday, April 18, 2008

101 Euphemisms for Breasts

Woman's cleavage
Image via Wikipedia
Everybody has heard them at one time or another, and almost everybody has used them once or twice during their more vulgar moods. They can be heard in bars, locker rooms, construction sites, and senate conference rooms at almost any time of the day. Some may even remember using them in grammar school, when the true nature of the subject mater was both frustratingly elusive and tantalizingly forbidden.

They are the slang phrases and words used by men to refer to women's breasts, most often shared when bringing a pair of them to the attention of another masculine entity.

Example: "Hey, look at the set of *insert tasteless euphemism here* on that babe over there!"

The members of the Mongoloid Moose Think Tank are unanimous in their belief that these euphemisms should be recorded for posterity, and it was with this in mind that we set out to construct the penultimate list that future generations may use as reference. A mammary cheat sheet, if you will. It was a difficult task that we had resigned ourselves to, yet we were determined to deliver the goods.

The first part of this arduous endeavor was the actual researching and cataloging of the slang terms. It was felt that the three most likely places for us to obtain phrases for the list would be construction sites, locker rooms, and strip joints (the Senate wouldn't return our calls). So, we split up into three groups:

1. Gary and Brian spent three entire days blending in with the crowd at the Bally's Health Spa locker room, and if you've ever seen them even fully clothed, you can appreciate how difficult a task it was.

2. Chris eavesdropped hardhat conversations at the construction site of the new Rickles shopping center by pretending to be a slab of granite, a job so well done that he was almost killed when a couple of construction workers attempted to grind him into gravel for the parking lot.

3. Doug and I covered the last location incognito. We spent $473, were kickedout of Frank's Chicken House and Torpedo’s seven times, and discovered the hidden implications behind the job description "Bouncer".

After the initial research was completed, our second task was to weed out the weaker slang phrases through a scientific process of elimination. This was accomplished by Resident Piece Of Meat Shawn Phillip Heinz, Esquire. Shawn tested the veracity and impact of each collected term by walking up to random women in the Food Court of the Willowbrook Mall and greeting them with the phrase "Hey baby, that's a nice pair of *insert slang phrase here* you've got there!" If use of the euphemism resulted in Shawn being slapped, punched, kicked, or maced, it was officially declared "a keeper." Thankfully, research on the list was completed by the time Shawn was drop-kicked into the fountain and tazered repeatedly by an out of work Volleyball Instructor, and we are able to present our findings to you, the demanding public.

On a closing note, Shawn says "Hello", so that's a good sign that the speech therapy has him well on the road to recovery. All flowers, cards, and marriage proposals can be sent to Shawn in care of The Mongoloid Moose.

Now, without further ado, let us begin to offend.

1. Hooters – The birds, not the bar.
2. Jugs – “Milk Jugs” is acceptable, but redundant.
3. Melons
4. Winnebagoes
5. Golden Bozos
6. Bazoombas – The ‘b’ is silent.
7. Head Lamps
8. Dinglebobbers
9. P.T. Boats
10. Garbanzos
11. Flopdoodles
12. Balboas
13. Boobs – Simple, yet effective.
14. Fujiyamas
15. Dueling Banjoes
16. Mazongas
17. Howitzers- High Caliber!
18. Zeppelins - Aviation slang at its finest!
19. Gazongas
20. Loblollies
21. Bronskis
22. Fat Man and Little Boy - Historical Political Incorrectness!
23. Bra Busters
24. Torpedoes - A runner up to this one was "Depth Charges"
25. Avocadoes
26. Moe and Larry
27. Globes
28. Orbs
29. Bouncing Betties
30. Herk and Jerk
31. Hootniks
32. Sweater Meat - This one was selflessly donated by the ever vigilant Doogles
33. Popcorn Balls
34. Candy Apples
35. Brown-Eyed Susans
36. Speed Bumps
37. Party Balls
38. Watermelons
39. Big 'uns - As in "Wow! Them's big 'uns!"
40. Pillows
41. Living Severed Heads
42. Hubcaps
43. Assets
44. Cream Puffs
45. Muffins
46. Buoys
47. Lifeboats
48. Knockers
49. Air Bags
50. Water Coolers
51. Hat Racks
52. Milk Men
53. Pacifiers
54. Gongs
55. Bongos
56. PiƱatas
57. Sirajul and Mujibar
58. Dirigibles
59. Basketballs
60. Dynamic Duo - "Holy Handfuls, Batman!"
61. Go-Carts
62. Thingies
63. Magnets
64. Mounds
65. Chew Toys
66. Bottle Rockets
67. Punching Bags - Now I did it. Before you know it I'll be accused of condoning battering women. Well, deep frying maybe... No! Wait! I didn't say that!
68. Door Knobs
69. Hubcaps
70. Finger Snacks
71. Smoke Stacks
72. Traffic Cones
73. Shot Glasses
74. Boulders
75. Da Boys
76. Bulls-Eyes
77. Microphones
78. Corks
79. Casabas
80. Bumper Boats
81. Yugos
82. Dashboards
83. Beach Balls
84. Goal Posts
85. Mandolins
86. Christmas Lights - Festive, eh?
87. Warheads
88. Tape Decks
89. Dinner Rolls
90. Roman Legionaries
91. Chandeliers
92. Mt. Rushmore
93. Wind Socks
94. Honkers
95. Sirens
96. Tomatoes
97. Meat Patties
98. Shotguns
99. Hand Grenades
100. Whirly Birds
101. Love Sponges
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1 comment:

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