Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Origins of the Mongoloid Moose

Centuries ago, when mankind was just another damned dirty ape among the other animals, advanced ideas such as irrigation, food storage, and southern fried chicken had not yet percolated in our lightly sloped brainpans. In this barbaric time when fire was new, words were rare, and the wheel was thought to be a passing fad, man had nothing even resembling culture.

Religion, as one of the hallmarks of a developing civilization, was new among the primitives, and while most of the larger tribes were eager to begin worshipping a higher life form, choosing a supreme being was something they had not yet acquired a knack for. Not realizing that their higher power could be someone or something they had never seen, groups of potential worshippers would travel across the countryside in search of something they could call Creator. These nomadic tribes would travel for years on end, not stopping until they managed to stumble upon some grand or bizarre landmark they could sacrifice their children to and call home. This need to traverse great distances for a glimpse of a bizarre yet potentially holy relic was so widespread that it still lives on in our primitive reptilian brains to this day . Eventually, these long and pointless treks resulted in groups such as the Tribe of the Smiling Rock, the Clan of the Endless Forest, and the People of the Angry Mountain, whose "Angry Mountain” turned out to be an active volcano .

But not all people are cut out for extensive traveling, and there were many tribes that weren't too wild about the idea of wandering aimlessly until something jumped out and went “Boo”. Of course, these were dangerous times, and any prospective deity that actually did jump out and shout “Boo” would find himself bludgeoned to death by large sticks.

The more unadventurous tribes placed their faith in things closer to home. Being inherently lazy and unimaginative, these groups chose different aspects of nature to worship. Worshipping oddly shaped mountains and weird geographical anomalies can be nifty, but they can wear on the foot leather. Nature, however, is everywhere. There’s so much nature out there that if you throw a rock, you’ll probably hit it, especially since rocks also count as nature. So, most of these simplistic tribes settled on rather obvious objects to worship, such as trees, water, fire, and even mud. The abundance of these ‘holy relics’ allowed them to easily relocate without having to worry about anything as troublesome as dying to protect a sacred shrine/landmark from deity-hungry nomads, who were quickly running out of unnatural landmarks to base their religions on. These tribes showed their lack of inspiration with names such as the Tree People, the Mud People, the Water People, and the Fire Lads .

But among these various clusters of makeshift theology was one special tribe that was a tad more original than the rest. These squat, swarthy people chose an unusual animal as their symbol of servitude; an odd and to this day unidentified breed of prehistoric moose with misaligned eyes, a wide gaping jaw, and an altogether dazed expression. Keeping true to their name, this tribe showed their awe and admiration for this wonderful slack-jawed beast by following large herds of it wherever they roamed. This was quite a challenge, as these animals did not base their travel patterns on weather conditions or food availability. They would simply wander from one location to the next, often winding up in extremely hazardous regions with harsh climates. It was the selfless love of these herd followers, who would feed and water them, as well as build makeshift shelters over them while they slept, that prevented these majestic creatures from dying out altogether.

Throughout their sojourns, the moose followers would often wander into territories belonging to some of the other tribes. Needless to say, the other tribes would mock and ridicule them for choosing such an ugly and mindless creature to worship. The Tribe of the Smiling Rock frowned upon them (the highest of all insults), the Clan of the Endless Forest beat them with sticks, and the People of the Angry Mountain shouted nasty things about their mothers while throwing handfuls of leaves in their general direction. The Tree, Mud, and Water people pelted them respectively with sticks, rocks, and water balloons . The Fire People, who were not yet skilled with their namesake, burned their hands repeatedly while trying to throw flames at them, and in the end settled on dirty looks. While the scorn and disdain heaped upon them varied, they were invariably identified by the same title no matter whose land they happened upon. To all they encountered, they were known as the Followers of the Mongoloid Moose.

These hapless people followed their false idols into the mountainous regions of Canada, where their numbers were greatly reduced by cold weather, food shortages, and random attacks by French Canadian Archers. The followers eventually split up after a rather troubling battle with the Protectors of the Fainting Goat that left them defeated, bruised, and more than a little embarrassed. Only a few diehard faithful stayed behind to tend to their unpredictable flock, and history has yet to discover their fate.

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