Saturday, June 23, 2012

Comcast Joins the WTF List (Transcript Enclosed)

Image representing Comcast as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase
During all the recent bullshit issues with Verizon's crappy service, I thought I would check for other local internet providers. This is a fruitless endeavor that I undergo every year or so to fight of the realization that, due to my proximity to Pennsyltuckey, the only internet options available to me are Verizon Suck-Ass DSL (that's actually the package plan name) and Service Electric, a company that you've never heard of because it is a rinky-dink local cable service staffed by mentally unstable howler monkeys with a service radius that doesn't exceed the distance that the owners can travel on a full tank of gas in their '78 Dodge Dart.

It appeared that luck was indeed a lady tonight, as an availability check of my address on the Comcast website resulted in a positive result and, after confirming the availability of service at my address with two separate chat room service reps, an order request for immediate installation.

Lady Luck turned out to be a heartless bitch, however, when a call to confirm receipt of my order resulted in an unrealistically smug Comcast operator inform my that Comcast is not available in my area after all, and that the mistake must have been mine, not theirs. No transcript exists for this phone call, but you can easily recreate it in your head by simply imagining a volley of angry shouting with MOTHERFUCKER used as punctuation.

However, two days later, an email arrived from Comcast asking me if I would be so kind as to finish placing my order for internet service. How could I possibly refuse?

On a side note, my current ticket number is 010435819.

analyst Ankit has entered room

Ankit: Hello Scott, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Ankit. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Ankit: Welcome to Comcast. We appreciate the time you are taking to contact us, I will be assisting you from here on out. Before anything else, I would like to ask, how are you doing today?

Scott: Awesome.

Ankit: I am good to know that you are doing Awesome.

Scott: I am not "doing" Awesome. I "am" Awesome. But I can understand your confusion.

Ankit: May I ask you if you are an existing customer with Comcast?

Scott: No.

Scott: I mean No, I am not an existing customer, not No, you can not ask a question. Just to clarify.

Ankit:  We are glad to have your business. Thank you for taking interest in Comcast services.

Scott: Taking AN interest. Which I have.

Ankit: Please verify the following details:

Ankit: (Ankit lists my address information here, which you don't need to know, but he certainly does. I happily confirm the information.)

Ankit: Please give me 2 minutes to locate your address in our system. Is that fine with you?

Scott: Certainly. But I will be timing you.

Ankit: Thanks.

Scott: The pleasure is all mine, one hundred and seven seconds.

Ankit: Did you call Comcast for the registration of your address in our database Scott?

Scott: Yes I did. They told me that Comcast was not available at my address.

Ankit: I see Scott.

Scott: Really? Than what am I wearing?

Scott: Oh, never mind. I get it.

Ankit: Thank you very much for being so cooperative, nice and patient. I would like to inform you that I have double checked our system, unfortunately, I am unable to find a match for you address It could be that the address never had our services and has not been registered with us yet.

Scott: Two support techs on your site in chats like this have told me that this is available at my address.

Scott: So I'd really like to know why I am getting different answers from the same company...

Scott: And if it isn't available at my address, why the website and online support is telling me that it is.

Ankit: Scott, please allow me few moments o cross check.

Ankit: to**

Scott: It's a little late to start correcting typos, isn't it?

Scott: If my address is not registered with you, why is the website allowing me to order service?

Scott: And why after the first attempt at subscribing didn't go through, that the website keeps sending me emails asking me to complete my purchase.

Ankit: Scott, website will allow the any address that is an actual address.

Ankit: Even if the address will not be registered with us yet, I will send your request personally for the same.

Ankit: Let me send your request right away.

Scott: No... the website asks to enter the address to see if service is available to me. I didn't just fill out a "Request" form, I filled out an "Order" form.

Scott: If the website accepts any address, than why would it ask to check if service is available to me?

Scott: Either way, somebody is lying and wasting my time.

Ankit: Scott, website is connected with USPS that is why website is accepting your address.

Scott: THE website, and a comma after USPS, and THE website again. Oh, and bullshit.

Ankit: I apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you. I can certainly understand your frustration, please allow me to raise a request for you.

Scott: Ankit, the sight asks for the address in order to search for availability of the service.

Scott: Which means I am being lied to.

Scott: And my time is being wasted. 

Scott: And why would you encourage people unable to subscribe to your service to go through the ordering process and tie up finite labor hours following through on nonexistent service orders?

Ankit: I understand, I am continously searching your address, I apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you.

Ankit: Please give me a chance to set things up perfectly.

Scott: At this point I'd settle for half-assed.

Ankit: I will raise a request only for you.

Scott: Only for me? I feel so special now.

Ankit: Comcast will call you within 24 hours and will register your address.

Ankit: I will send your request personally for the same.

Ankit: eanwhile, May I get your preferred date for installation please?

Scott: If it's actually available in my area, as soon as possible.

Ankit: Thank you very much for being so cooperative, and nice.

Ankit: Let me send your request right away.

Scott: I'm still trying to figure out how service was not available to me, but all of a sudden it is.

Scott: And as for me being cooperative and nice, try mastering the English language first, and then we can work on sarcasm.

Ankit: I will surely consider your advice.

Scott: I should hope so. It is sage and profound.

Ankit: This has been escalated to our support team who will further investigate this for a resolution. They will contact you for further information within 24 hours. Address registration is something which is only possible by call, however, I took this exception just for you. They will register your address+will set the installation date if possible + will provide you the new Comcast account as well as order number + you will also receive an e-mail confirmation. I took this exception just for you.

Scott: We can start with the sentence "I am good to know that you are doing Awesome."

Scott: "It is" good to know makes grammatical sense, and you can BE awesome, but you cannot BE DOING awesome.

Ankit: I am really sorry for this, I will surely try and take care of it future,

Scott: Just trying to help.

Scott: If you are representing a communications company, it makes sense to have adequate communication skills.

Ankit: Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.

Ankit: I apologize for that once again and I will surely take care of that in future.

Scott: Again, let's hammer down the grammar before wading through the sarcasm. You and I both know I'm being a dick.

Scott: But that's to be expected from potential customers when they're forced to deal with a support network that has no logical thread of accountability.

Ankit: Scott, I really appreciate your help.

Scott: It's not you, Ankit. You're just a cog. I understand.

Ankit: My apologies, Scott.

Ankit: Trust me I will take care of it in future.

Scott: THE future.

Ankit: Sorry again.

Ankit: I have raised your request to our support team.

Ankit: Comcast will call you within 24 hours and will register your address.

Scott: Thanks, Ankit. Have a good weekend, wherever you are.

Ankit: You are welcome. You too have a good weekend.

Scott: Thanks. Fight the power! Occupy Bangladesh!

Ankit: Take Care of yourslef and have a wonderful time and smiling moments ahead!!! See you!!!
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1 comment:

Kate said...

My favorite part by FAR is, "You and I both know I'm being a dick." Brilliance, sir.