Rick Perry is a Dirty, Stinking Coward

Image by Getty Images via @daylifeThat's right, Perry. You heard me right. I'm callin' you out. You ain't nothin' but a cheap, dirty, rotten, stinkin', lousy, no-good, gutless, yellow-bellied coward.

Where did I get such an idea? The Huffington Post:

During a stop in New Hampshire on Thursday, Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry raised skepticism about the theory of evolution. 

"How old do I think the earth is? You know what, I don't have any idea," said the Texas governor when asked about his position on the issue by a woman and her son. "I know it's pretty old so it goes back a long long way. I'm not sure anybody actually knows completely and absolutely how long, how old the earth is." 

Perry regarded evolution as "a theory that's out there" and one that's "got some gas in it." He added that in the Lone Star State both creationism and evolution are taught to students in public schools. He explained, "I figure you're smart enough to figure out which one is right."

Now, I'll ignore the fact that Perry was factually incorrect when he stated that Texas schools teach both creationism and evolution. I'm not even going to imply that he knowingly lied about it. To be honest, I have no doubt that Perry is as ignorant about public school curricula in Texas as the average Texan student is about what a High School Diploma looks like. Besides, facts rarely get in the way of political posturing. Perry gets a pass on that one, because we simply don't expect anything better.

But what's with the wishy-washy answer to the evolution question? This is the man who asked the citizens of Texas to pray for rain! The pistol-packing jogger who defied non-Christians all over the state by hosting a "National Prayer Rally" and threatened to "get ugly" all over Federal Reserve Chairman Geithner. This is not a man who minces words, or even gives much thought to what they mean when strung together as sentences.

Yet what does he do when asked about his views on Evolution? It's "a theory that's out there" that's "got some gas in it?" What's this mamby-pampy nonsense? I don't think there is a rational human being within earshot of a political ad campaign who doubts that Perry is firmly entrenched in the Creationism camp. We all know it. Why is he suddenly so shy about praising his belief in God's hand in all things? Who's he afraid of? Pagans? Hippie Atheists? Secular Progressives? The man who shot a coyote in its sleep just for snoring isn't supposed to fear anything. But suddenly, and without any real discernible reason, Perry has sprouted a yellow streak a mile wide when confronted with questions regarding his own beliefs regarding that quaint little evolution theory thing.

That's right. Rick Perry is a coward. He's afraid to stand up for his God's miraculous worth, scared to declare his disdain for scientific research that actually provides empirical evidence of a gradual change in the physical properties of animal species.

I'm callin' you out, cowboy. Show me what you got.

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New Hampshire and Anal Sex

There's nothing like a little down-and-dirty sex talk to liven up a boring political hearing. Then again, I don't think I would count my money as being well spent if I called a sex hotline and got New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott reciting her version of Backdoor Lovin' to me.

This is the kind of stuff that really pulls the curtain back to reveal the true motives behind the anti-gay marriage movement. At a recent executive session to repeal same-sex marriage in New Hampshire, Republican Rep. Elliot launched into a rather vivid description of exactly how distasteful she finds the idea of anal sex. She keeps going until someone off camera asks her to stick to the bill, to which she responds that it has everything to do with the bill, because legalizing gay marriage is apparently leading to public schools teaching fifth graders how to have gay anal sex. Watch and learn, and be sure to take notes:





I don't know about you, but this is the most turned-on I've gotten from political debate since Ken Starr spent millions to find out exactly how far Clinton sank his cigar into Monica.

I'm not sure who that is sitting next to Miss Elliot, but she must have the most disciplined poker-face I have ever seen. I know I would have lost it at "wriggling around in excrement." I also probably would have interrupted and asked Nancy what her views on oral sex are, seeing as how as cunninlingus is probably more popular than anal sex among the lesbian population, which I am only assuming accounts for roughly half of all gay couples.

As funny as this kind of legislative gutter-minded shock-value argument against what is essentially a civil rights issue is, it goes a long way to illustrate some unavoidable truths about the majority of those opposing same-sex marriage:

1) Republicans think everything is about sex
2) Lesbians really don't get the equal attention they deserve
3) Nancy doesn't go for the Butt Sex

This is why I think it is completely fair and essential for all politicians campaigning against same-sex marriage if they've ever engaged in oral or anal sex with their spouses. Not just out of sheer vindictive retaliation, but because knowing is half the battle.

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