Friday, February 12, 2010

New Hampshire and Anal Sex

There's nothing like a little down-and-dirty sex talk to liven up a boring political hearing. Then again, I don't think I would count my money as being well spent if I called a sex hotline and got New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott reciting her version of Backdoor Lovin' to me.

This is the kind of stuff that really pulls the curtain back to reveal the true motives behind the anti-gay marriage movement. At a recent executive session to repeal same-sex marriage in New Hampshire, Republican Rep. Elliot launched into a rather vivid description of exactly how distasteful she finds the idea of anal sex. She keeps going until someone off camera asks her to stick to the bill, to which she responds that it has everything to do with the bill, because legalizing gay marriage is apparently leading to public schools teaching fifth graders how to have gay anal sex. Watch and learn, and be sure to take notes:

I don't know about you, but this is the most turned-on I've gotten from political debate since Ken Starr spent millions to find out exactly how far Clinton sank his cigar into Monica.

I'm not sure who that is sitting next to Miss Elliot, but she must have the most disciplined poker-face I have ever seen. I know I would have lost it at "wriggling around in excrement." I also probably would have interrupted and asked Nancy what her views on oral sex are, seeing as how as cunninlingus is probably more popular than anal sex among the lesbian population, which I am only assuming accounts for roughly half of all gay couples.

As funny as this kind of legislative gutter-minded shock-value argument against what is essentially a civil rights issue is, it goes a long way to illustrate some unavoidable truths about the majority of those opposing same-sex marriage:

1) Republicans think everything is about sex
2) Lesbians really don't get the equal attention they deserve
3) Nancy doesn't go for the Butt Sex

This is why I think it is completely fair and essential for all politicians campaigning against same-sex marriage if they've ever engaged in oral or anal sex with their spouses. Not just out of sheer vindictive retaliation, but because knowing is half the battle.

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